On my knees

I recently read this post from Rica Peralejo-Bonifacio’s blog, and I found myself agreeing to all that she said about motherhood and all the worries that come with it. I am such a worry-wart when it comes to my little girl that every cough, cry, squirm, and mind you, fart, makes me paranoid. Believe me, I haven’t had a decent sleep ever since Day 1 especially because I have been co-sleeping with the baby and I just wouldn’t allow myself to fall into a deep sleep. What if my baby wakes and falls off the bed? What if she cries and I couldn’t hear her because I was away in lala-land? So it was such a relief for me to learn that I am not alone. And that I am not going crazy, because, hey, my feelings are perfectly normal. 

Feelings of inadequacy also make attacks on my self-esteem. As a first time mom, everything I experienced with Ikay are first-time experiences. I am so glad my own mom is here with me ever willing to lend a hand (most often, hands. And feet.) and I believe that her own experiences with me and my two other siblings have made her more level-headed and relaxed. I remember the time when I let Ikay take a bite from a banana and she took such a huge chunk she almost choked. I saw tears forming in my daughter’s eyes and I was literally screaming on my chair while my Nanay calmly pried baby’s mouth and took out the banana glob. I felt so useless. And pathetic. Gah. 

But I am learning. I have learned to be strong — emotionally and physically, as baby has already discovered the joys of walking on her own. Baby no more — I have a toddler!

Working and being a mom at the same time is hard work. And I must concede that I could not do all these on my own. I must exert extra effort and take the extra mile (aka sleep less) and make sacrifices along the way. If I boast of being able to efficiently multi-task at work, I should take this boasting to another level and work on juggling home and work together. I am determined to be the kind of wife and mother my family deserves  but I should stop talking about this and start praying.

On my knees. The road to being a superwo-mom starts on my knees.

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It’s been weeks since my last post, and for the handful of you who follow this blog, my apologies. I’ve been meaning to write a post for several days now, but, as always, life got in the way. Deadlines at work came rushing at me one after the other, I have classes every evening, and the baby, who now recognizes me as her mother, keep screaming for my attention (she even wakes up suddenly once she hears my voice after I arrive from work). I had no time any more to sit in front of the computer and blog or to read my currently-reading book without interruption. Motherhood has been a big sacrifice indeed, and even though I am not really complaining (okay, maybe a bit), I have to admit that I miss having an alone time. And each time that I do get some free time to write or read, I keep staring at the computer without writing one word because my mind isn’t on it anymore, and before I know it, the baby is awake already or that I have to attend to something more pressing at work. Writing about this actually makes me teary-eyed and emotional (oh, I have become highly emotional ever since I gave birth so please, bear with me) because to be honest, I do miss being single at times. I long for those times when I can freely lounge inside my room doing nothing except read, or wander inside the mall the whole day. Having my own free time is now a luxury.

There is actually one thing that I have been neglecting ever since I became busy with motherhood — my daily quiet time. I am aware that having no time is a bad excuse but honestly, it’s just too easy to neglect this when I have to wake up suddenly because the baby is crying for milk or I have to change her diapers. The routine for caring for a baby takes so much time and before I know it, it’s time for me to prepare for work. At night, I have to force my eyes open because I have to attend to some unfinished work before bed. At least, I have help when it comes to house chores, but still, I feel my time is not enough.

And I feel guilty. I have been feeling guilty for a few weeks now.

I am aware about my lack of daily devotions ever since I stopped doing it but it was two or three days ago when this realization really dawned on me. I had to stop doing what I had been doing that time and I stared blankly into space. The truth felt like a punch in the gut. And my conscience kept troubling me.

What is more, I miss doing quiet time. I miss my God.

I know that I need not find the time for having my daily devotions. I must make time. Because I need to stop, be quiet…and just breathe. 

I need to breathe in the goodness and graciousness of God. I need to savor His peace and comfort. I need to feel His gentle touch telling me that I am going to be okay. Everything will be okay. I need these to calm my somewhat chaotic soul. I need to refocus and recharge. 

I need to reassure myself that God is and always will be with me. Because for so long a time, I feel so distant. I feel detached from my one and only source of strength.

I need to breathe.

It’s so easy to say this but when things really start to go crazy at home, I admit that it’s also easy to get distracted. But writing this down strengthens my resolve, and for you, friends, who have been my accountability partners, this is my way of telling you to please, please remind me from time to time? I would greatly appreciate your reminders. Oh, even rebukes, I welcome them. 😉

For now, I will start anew. Thank you for journeying with me.

image from Pinterest

image from Pinterest

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After reading this blog post by Pastor Joseph Bonifacio, I immediately thought about how I am faring in terms with communicating respect on my marriage. I’ve been married for a little over two years (we celebrated our 2nd anniversary just this month) but because my husband has to work in Bataan while I have to stay here in Iloilo City, we only get to see each other whenever there are long weekends and during holidays. I had never actually experienced how it is to cook for my husband, prepare his things for work, spend normal working days with him, do groceries together – basically normal things that normal, “together” couples do.

That is why I got to think how I have been doing in terms of giving respect to my husband. I do subscribe to that love and respect thing taught in the Bible (I have yet to read the book, though) and respect is something that I know I ought to give Gian since the time I said “I do”.

I wonder if my husband can feel my respect despite the distance. I wonder whether my choice of words and the tone with which I use whenever we get to talk over the phone (or chat online) reflect respect. I wonder whether the decisions I make or about to make show deference for my husband as the head of our family. Most of all, I wonder whether every time we have misunderstandings or arguments, I still express respect.

Pride has been one of my greatest weaknesses. It has always been a struggle for me to swallow my pride and say sorry. But since I want to communicate respect in everything that I do within my marriage, I have been taking pains in learning to ask for forgiveness (even though I feel that I am still right.) Oh, how I struggle. And I must admit that I also fail at this endeavor several times. For someone like me who is used to making decisions for herself and being confident with such decisions, it is always painful to submit to someone else’s authority. I feel like having a thorn lodged in my throat each time I know that I had to let someone else decide on things that I know I can manage to do by my own. Still, I cannot question this God-ordained authority because isn’t it a fact that God knows what is best?

Marriage (and motherhood) has been teaching me a lot of things. And I am sure that this will be a never-ending learning process. But I am willing to learn. I will commit to learn. For after all, my wedding vow wasn’t made to Gian alone — it was a covenant I made before my God.

I will continue to pray for grace. 


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