It’s been weeks since my last post, and for the handful of you who follow this blog, my apologies. I’ve been meaning to write a post for several days now, but, as always, life got in the way. Deadlines at work came rushing at me one after the other, I have classes every evening, and the baby, who now recognizes me as her mother, keep screaming for my attention (she even wakes up suddenly once she hears my voice after I arrive from work). I had no time any more to sit in front of the computer and blog or to read my currently-reading book without interruption. Motherhood has been a big sacrifice indeed, and even though I am not really complaining (okay, maybe a bit), I have to admit that I miss having an alone time. And each time that I do get some free time to write or read, I keep staring at the computer without writing one word because my mind isn’t on it anymore, and before I know it, the baby is awake already or that I have to attend to something more pressing at work. Writing about this actually makes me teary-eyed and emotional (oh, I have become highly emotional ever since I gave birth so please, bear with me) because to be honest, I do miss being single at times. I long for those times when I can freely lounge inside my room doing nothing except read, or wander inside the mall the whole day. Having my own free time is now a luxury.
There is actually one thing that I have been neglecting ever since I became busy with motherhood — my daily quiet time. I am aware that having no time is a bad excuse but honestly, it’s just too easy to neglect this when I have to wake up suddenly because the baby is crying for milk or I have to change her diapers. The routine for caring for a baby takes so much time and before I know it, it’s time for me to prepare for work. At night, I have to force my eyes open because I have to attend to some unfinished work before bed. At least, I have help when it comes to house chores, but still, I feel my time is not enough.
And I feel guilty. I have been feeling guilty for a few weeks now.
I am aware about my lack of daily devotions ever since I stopped doing it but it was two or three days ago when this realization really dawned on me. I had to stop doing what I had been doing that time and I stared blankly into space. The truth felt like a punch in the gut. And my conscience kept troubling me.
What is more, I miss doing quiet time. I miss my God.
I know that I need not find the time for having my daily devotions. I must make time. Because I need to stop, be quiet…and just breathe.
I need to breathe in the goodness and graciousness of God. I need to savor His peace and comfort. I need to feel His gentle touch telling me that I am going to be okay. Everything will be okay. I need these to calm my somewhat chaotic soul. I need to refocus and recharge.
I need to reassure myself that God is and always will be with me. Because for so long a time, I feel so distant. I feel detached from my one and only source of strength.
I need to breathe.
It’s so easy to say this but when things really start to go crazy at home, I admit that it’s also easy to get distracted. But writing this down strengthens my resolve, and for you, friends, who have been my accountability partners, this is my way of telling you to please, please remind me from time to time? I would greatly appreciate your reminders. Oh, even rebukes, I welcome them. 😉
For now, I will start anew. Thank you for journeying with me.